Little blond academic girl in Email-Land
Words
matter. Words have power.
Over the years, people have
forgotten that words matter in all areas and aspects of our life, in academia
even more. Whether it is getting into a class or a boardroom, being part of a
debate and leaving the room, the discussion would “stay” there; if you were not
there, you missed it. Academia and the scientific community were not like that
in the previous centuries – letters and manuscripts were exchanged between
scientists even if it took months to get across. Books were even written as
responses to each other’s statements and theories.
1Scripta manent (Latin proverb):
"spoken words fly away, written words remain"
Nowadays, globalization and
since last year, remote working has in a way directed us to work with people in
other countries, various time zones and due to COVID19, each from their own
house, and hence, communication has become mostly distant and virtual. Such
communications whether written (emails, shared documents, chats etc.) or
virtual discussions (live that can also be recorded, voice notes, video sharing
etc.) remind us of the famous Latin proverb that words remain and don’t fly
away.
And while everything remains
in an archive, this communication from far has made some individuals more open
to express their opinions as the virtual world gives a sense of anonymity
(false or not) and secondly, written exchanges (email or more direct chats) are
formal and oftentimes misunderstood. Without saying of course that it is only
from COVID19 and onwards that these phenomena have appeared – they had existed
before but intensified now.
Oftentimes, the little blond girl wonders if she remembers
the words of the “blue eyes” correctly. What if not? Did she stress them in
that way? How different things could have been if she had just received a note?
Unnecessary stress is caused
in trying to navigate through emails and online discussions dealing with
emotions and misunderstandings derived sometimes from lack of patience in
reading or writing… Personal energy is wasted on fixing situations that would
not have occurred in similar circumstances if face-to-face contact was possible
or if the parties involved had more time to explain their side. And let’s be
honest with ourselves, which academic nowadays has extra time or patience to do
so?
The little blond girl spends her first day at school hiding
her school bag as much as she could, wondering what she had done wrong. She
remembers the excitement when she chose the school bag with her uncle at the
shop and the excitement when she put her books inside, combined of course with
some anxiety for the new school and the new friends. Now, she doesn’t want the
new bag neither the new friends nor the new school.
We have all read (and written)
emails and messages whose tone is aggressive and quarrelsome and those whose
purpose is to resolve issues and find solutions. There are certain ways of
writing and saying things that might come from a positive place but also leave room
for a misinterpretation or personal offence – phrases such as “…I don’t know
with what rules you grew up…”. Now imagine the different ways in which someone
can say or hear that phrase in a face-to-face discussion. Firstly, the facial
expressions, secondly the body language, and third the tone of voice can indicate
the intention, something that is not true in an email or other form of written
communication. That is what complicates things and exactly where we should be
more cautious.
The “blue eyes” stressed in THIS SCHOOL to make sure that the
little blond girl is not from this school, or maybe that is how the little
blond girl remembers it, maybe because this was exactly how she was feeling at
that moment.
But is it something that
depends on the individual’s personality, current conditions or individuals can
be trained on how to do so?
I believe all the above can be
true. There are individual characters that by nature are have more positive
attitudes and mindsets that overall always look for the silver lining in every
situation; contrary to others that “sharpen their knives” to start a fight in
any chance. All of us are also prone to become more irritated and readier to
argue negatively or doubt anyone when our conditions are challenging or if we
have to encounter overall bad times.
Finally, having gone through
training such as the Africa Science Leadership Programme (ASLP), I keep
realising that simple things can make a difference in the way one responds in
debates and discussions. Overall changes in mindset affect the way we
communicate with others and in the manner, we express our opinions and
thoughts. Programmes such as the ASLP taught us to be true to what we think and
what we feel but express it politely. Small things that we agreed on while we
were in the workshop changed the way we participate in everyday conversations;
for example, avoiding the use of the word “but” in discussions and replace it
with “and”. It sounds small but it makes a difference.
The idea is not to keep quiet
to avoid conflict and keep everyone around us happy. Quite the opposite
actually: we all have a voice and all voices should be heard. All thoughts and
views are equally important and offer something to all discussions. I strongly
believe that choosing to be quiet in a discussion is also a response to a
debate. Having said that, knowing when to be quiet and when to end a discussion
is also a virtue. But what would happen if we all stayed silent for fear of
disagreeing or making someone uncomfortable?
Many times, the little blond girl played different scenarios
in her mind. How different would the story be if the little blonde girl
responded? If she said “thank you, I will change it tomorrow, what’s your
name?” or if she said “yes, but I don’t care, why do you?” or “who do you think
you are?”. The outcome of each, the trajectory of their relationship through
the years and the memory of the first day of school for the little blond girls
would be so different now.
How many disagreements in the
history of humankind has led us to amazing breakthroughs? But also, how many
times in the past, have people have “lost” or missed each other’s arguments
because of the way they expressed them?
But let’s remember…it is not
only what we say, but also how we say it.
In our professional life,
unfortunately (or fortunately), we cannot leave emails for example unanswered
because we don’t like their tone – although I was tempted many times. What
should we do to protect thus ourselves and our mental health, and ensure that
we do not perpetuate the problematic conditions but instead that we act as torchbearers
of change?
What do I do when I receive that dreadful email?
·
I try to speak about it with a person I trust
that understands the situation and I trust that can give me advice. A person
that is close to the situation but not directly involved or affected by the
exchange of the emails.
The little blond girl returns home in the afternoon and finds
her mum. Would that be the right person? Hmm…Maybe not. The mum is close to the
situation but directly involved and maybe too emotional. The little blond girl
knocks on the door of her friend next door – she is also new in the neighbourhood,
only moved there last year and she is a bit older.
·
I pretend that I could answer exactly what I
have in my mind. So, I write down exactly how I feel, even if that is
aggressive, rude, humorous, ironic, anything that comes to mind, just to express
all my feelings. [My advice is to do this on a piece of paper to avoid an
accidental press of send].
Little blond girl writes a journal every evening. That
evening is the time to write a fake response. She even stretches her
imagination and converts herself and all the kids into crazy cartoons that converse with each other. She reads it afterwards and she even laughs at
herself, it is so ridiculous.
·
I reread the email making possible scenarios of
what kind of a day the sender might be having when composing that email – all
the exogenous reasons that might make someone be in a bad mood and have a
negative tone in an email without really doing it on purpose.
·
I go for some form of physical exercise (Belly
dancing works for me, as it does not allow you to think of anything else; you
need to focus on the combinations of movements and choreographies and nothing
else). That empties the mind from all thoughts.
·
Depending on the urgency of the communication,
I sleep before responding. Always in the morning things are clearer. I wake up
early, make the best cup of coffee, stretch and then write the email in a word
document first. Reread it out loud as if I am the receiver of the communication
and then send.
So, the little blond girl of our story puts the criticism to
her school bag metaphorically in her “bag” and moves forward. She did not
answer back, she returned the next day with the same school bag and a bigger
smile and moved on (or not? She still
remembers the incident…). At least, she forgot about it and she even became
friends with the blue-eyed girl but three decades later on, she still remembers
that moment as the first day of her school life. And sometimes she wonders why
this is the reason why she only holds very classic handbags…
Written by Roula Inglesi-Lotz, University of Pretoria.
One of the Fantastic Four
Twitter @RoulaILotz
http://motherandeconomist.blogspot.com/
Disclaimer:
The story of the little blond girl is based on a real incident but the rest of
the story is fictional and the narrative is stretched to the author’s
imagination.
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